Chundles

I'm going to take a break from blogging the birds and try to provide a little comic relief on Tuesday night's Town Hall debate between Barack Obama and John McCain. Don't get me wrong, I am taking this election very seriously, as I'm in full agreement that it's by far the most important election of my lifetime. But come on. This shit is funny. So here goes nothing:

Tom Brokaw: Welcome to the 2nd Presidential Debate, this one a town-hall style with questions from the audience and ONline. Each candidate will have 2 minutes to respond, and then we'll have 1 minute follow-ups. Even though these long-winded politicians agreed to these terms, expect to hear frequent reminders from me about the rules, because they will break them. Man, do these two guys love to hear each other talk. Anyway, without further ado, please welcome the candidates.

[Applause]

Question #1, for Senator McCain. Senator McCain, with the global economic crises in full-swing, how will you fix it?

Senator McCain: Thank you Tom, and thank you to the Debate Commission, all my friends in attendance, all my friends fighting abroad, all my veteran friends at home (I love you and will take care of you) and thank you to all my friends watching at home. My friends, we need someone who will fix our economy. I knew Adam Smith, and he trained me on the principals of sound economic growth. I've done that before. I've fixed every financial crises our country has ever had. And I'm a proud American, and we're going to fight through this because, my friends, we're a proud country. Senator Obama will raise your taxes, no matter what he says. And I will buy your homes from you, and also cease all spending in Washington. God bless America.

Senator Obama: Thank you Tom, and I also want to thank the Commission and all Americans. This is a very important election, and there are some clear fundamental differences between the two candidates. John McCain wants to cut taxes for the rich, tax your employer-deducted health care premiums, and continue spending $10B per month fighting in Iraq. The last 8 years have been terrible, and we need change. Not top-down change, but bottom-up change. Elect me, and I'll make sure all of you work hard to fix our country. That's why I want to be the next President of the United States.

Senator McCain (Response): Well, just look at our records. I'm the maverick. I fought my party leaders. I vote against big government and big spending. And I will not raise taxes. That one will. That liberal over there who has the most liberal voting record in Congress. But not me. I know how to fix this economy. I've been doing this all my life, my friends. I'll bring change to Washington my friends.

Tom Brokaw: For the next question, we turn to foreign policy. Senator Obama, please tell us what the Obama Doctrine really is.

Senator Obama: The last 8 years haven't worked. We spend $10B in Iraq every month, and they have a $79B surplus. All the while, the Taliban is gaining strength in Afghanistan and we've made no progress in destroying Al Qaeda. We can't just go to war with everyone. We need to sit down over a cup of tea and talk. That's what I'll do. And one more thing. There will never be another Holocaust. I love Isreal, our strongest ally, and it will stay that way when I'm President.

Senator McCain: Senator Obama just doesn't understand my friends. I do. I've been there. I fought in a war and have solved every major foreign policy crises my whole life. My hero Teddy Roosevelt said to "speak softly and carry a big stick." I know how to do that. I know how to kill Osama bin Laden. I'll speak softly and carry a big stick. Everyone will know that. We're a proud country, and to all our veterans, I love you and I'll take care of you. We'll win the war in Iraq with our heads held high. Not like Senator Obama wants to do--come home in defeat. That can never happen with our strong military. My friends, I know how to fix this and I will.

Senator Obama (Response): Well thank you for the kind words John, but you keep repeating lies. Just going back to the taxes, let me be clear: "95% of Americans will see no tax increase." On foreign policy, we must solve this through energy, and we must bring the fight to Al Qaeda in Afghanistan. Senator McCain thinks I'm green behind the years, and you know what? I haven't been doing this all my life. But I'm smart and handsome, well educated, have a beautiful family, and we need some change in this country.

Tom Brokaw: OK, we have time for one more question. Please tell us what you don't know.

Senator McCain: Tom, thanks. And thanks to all my friends out there. This is an important election. I'm the maverick, and I know how to fix the problems our country faces. Just like my hero Ronald Reagan did. I know how to work across the aisle with Democrats and bring change to Warshington. And on foreign policy, Senator Obama just doesn't understand. We have a big dick this great country of ours, and we need to swing it. That's how to restore our reputation abroad--beat the shit out of people and disregard everything our allies tell us. My friends, I know how to do that. I've been doing it all my life. And Israel will always be our friend and ally and there will never be another Holocaust. I know how to bring peace to the Middle East. I've visited obscure countries you've never heard of and know how to make them allies of ours. That one over there? He doesn't understand. He won't be a strong hand at the tiller. I will, my friends. And that's why I'm ready to be your next President.

Senator Obama: Well, thanks again John. And thanks Tom. But I don't know why you keep saying the things you do. Under an Obama administration, 95% of you won't see an increase in your taxes. I will restore our reputation abroad. And I will take care of Main Street while I reign in Wall Street. We don't need 8 more years of the same. Senator McCain voted with President Bush 95% of the time. Those policies don't work. We need change in this country, and Joe Biden and I are the right team to bring that change. But don't forget--it has to come from the bottom up--so be prepared to sacrifice. My wife Michelle (Hi Michelle, I love you) keeps me in line, and she'll have me working too. So get ready. Thank you.

Tom Brokaw: Thank you Senators. You may now begin your awkward and unauthentic embraces of not only one another, but also of me and the audience members. Good night, and don't forget to join us for the third and final faux-debate.